again

yes i know the word 'regret' probably has been planted on every inch of me..will be so until i get to do things to brush it off me..in the age of nearing 24, i've done mistakes that i dare not share with anyone..i'm afraid of the reactions..i'm scared of the abandones..never felt so tensed and insecure and chaotic until yesterday..all of the past mistakes outcomes were poured on me on one single moment..which makes me the most helpless alive human on earth..

i'm too embarrassed to ask for help which i knew i shouldn't if it's because of my mistakes..i can't decide..i can't move on..i don't know what to do..and there's things i can't publish here because i'm too curled up with myself..not a good thing people would say..but the least that i face is not some more sympathy and empathy..and perhaps some insults..

questions

why am i here? the transition spot, i'd like to assume..yerp, i've made my decision..though it's not the most i prefer..but we dont always get what we wish for rite? what do i lose? some good future opportunities, yes..what do i gain? the rightful way of living my life, i'm certain..let's just pray that there're more great things to follow..

if this is the way, then dear Allah, let me live through it with robins singing and roses blooming..

and yes..currently i'm badly missing someone..

i need therapy

Currently in desperate need of self-esteem boosting therapy..dont have any idea of why i keep looking down at myself..perhaps past regrets still shadows my imagined future..i need self confidence..i need to not needing someone for things i should be doing on my own..i need a chance..

And when it comes to having the right chance to right the wrongs right before me, i am not able to grab it due to some unforseen circumstances..i need a black rose..usually given to someone going for a war and not expected to come back.. i am not going for a war, and i am expected to come home..but ironically i need a decision that will lead me forward and not to look back and regret..

regrets...regrets...

actually experienced the meaning of regret...for the realll first time...hurmmm....just thinking bout it made me sober again....knapa?i really regret the fact that i played around a lot during my studies..n it caused me a good few important opportunities to move on with my life...a promising future...damn..if only i knew..if only i realized it a lil sooner than now..if only..if..if..if..

dilemma

"awak keje utk kepuasan diri ke utk menampung hidup?"....damn..one fact that i tried to ignore all this while..kak ju yg tanye soalan ni..well,to begin with..i'm currently not satisfied with me myself..let alone the job that i..well..not hate..but i can't find the satisfaction in it..cane nih?

what do i really want in my life? adoihh..dah xleh pikir dah ni..i can't find the answer myself..i have a great passion in designing..yes..but i don't favor doing drawings..hurmm..
n just bout just now i received news that i tried to avoid..have to move to a new site which is hard for me to reach..with the ambience i know wouldn't suit me..adeh...cane nih..

mr guard

dah lame nak tulis..tp xtertulis2 gak..tula...layan teka imej nye pasal la ni..nothing important actually..tp selalu teringat..there's this one security officer(pakgad) kat opis ni..dah tua pakcik tu..hmm..tahla cane diorg amek gak org yg dah berumur jd guard kan..patutnya fungsi guard ni sama mcm polis gak..so kena la yg masih muda n tegap..

back to the story,aku ni memang xleh tgk org2 tua yg kena kerja ni..jadik cam sayu sgt hati..dok fikir,knapa diorg masih bekerja dlm umur yg mcm tu kan..patutnya dlm usia mcm tu diorg tgh rehat2 kat umah, bykkan beribadah..main dgn cucu2..ataupon kalo mcm mat saleh tu diog rajin travel..tp tula..tatau la knapa kan..aku menahan diri dari tnya kat pakcik tu..mane tau,mungkin ade isu sensitif ke kan..

tp mmg ksian sgt rase..terbayang kalau babah aku..babah pon dah berumur..tp aku akan pastikan usia tua dia dihabiskan dgn berehat(walaupun dia mmg x suka dok diam)..maknanya xyah lagi keje..

there was one sunday afternoon..i was on my way back from souq..after breakfast picnic with my dear friends..lalu kat boulevard..nampak pakcik tu tgh berjalan kat jmbatan tu..dr kat souq lagi dah nmpak dia..lunch kot..sbb selalunya kitorg kat site ni lunch kat mof nye cafe..tp sunday kan..gov mana bukak..mase nmpak dia tgh jln tu i was at the middle lane..n masa tu mcm x terfikir sgt..tp bila dah lepas tu baru terfikir.."ya Allah, jauhnye pakcik tu jalan"..drpd site office kitorg ke souq tu nearly 1km..mgkin x jauh bagi kita yg muda n sihat ni..tp bayangkan pkcik yg dah berumur nearly 70thn tu..

since then aku rase bersalah sgt..kalaulah aku cepat berfikir sikit dari awal,i will definitely give him a ride..ksian sgt..bila tringat mesti mata bergenang..pakcik tu masih bekerja di site kami ni..pg2 bila dtg keje n bila nak balik ptg2 msti dia akan tegur..kdg2 borak2 sket..dia pon peramah..n suka bertanya..walaupon kdg2 bila "ada angin" aku mcm mls nak brckp esp pagi2 kan,haha,tp aku lyn gak..that's the least i can do utk hburkan hati tua dia..

aku anggap dia mcm atuk..aku pon dah takde atuk lagi..kedua2 atuk dah kembali ke rahmatullah..mungkin dia xda keluarga,xda anak,xda cucu..x kesahla..byk sgt andaian aku ni..mungkin dia suka2 nak keje..most importantly i did n will continue doing what i can..just as what a daughter and a granddaughter would do..org tua kan..sensitif sket..

i pray to Allah to bless him will good health and that we wouldn't have to continue with the job..
amin..

turning point?

it's been a while..haven't been writing much lately..nothing new..work, as usual.there are times when i can't even sit at my place for more than a minute..but there are also daaayyss when i have nothing to do besides surfing the internet from 8-5.

i thought i've made a concrete decision on not pursuing my part 2 in architecture..but lately there's someting at the back of my head came crushing into my peaceful sleeps..who am i actually? what have i achieved after graduated? i have a job,yes..a good income,yes..but deep down i know i'm not good at anything..i need something to master..

n i can painfully admit that i've not been doing well during my studying years back then..it's been lingering around in my head since but i'm just too ego to admit n correct it..but something made think bout it seriously now..i need to go back to studying n prove that i can do well..that i shall have something to be proud of someday..